Little Bud is Gone

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Little Bud Nelsen

Well, our ancient little dog I have written about finally died this morning. He couldn't see, he couldn't smell, he could hardly walk, and up until about two weeks ago, he slept 99% of the time. I have cleaned up more pee from him in the last year, but just couldn't bring myself to haul him to the vet to put him to sleep. Let's face it. Death is just a nightmare. Well, death itself is kind of a relief, but the dying process itself is a total nightmare. I think there is such a reverence and love of life even while the body is just decaying, aging and falling apart, and whether you are a person, or an animal, you just fight for every breath that you can. It is totally illegal to put a person out of their misery, but acceptable to do it to an animal. I just wish everyone and everything went gently off to death....in their sleep. I thought Little Bud would just drift off to sleep. Not so. About two weeks ago, maybe longer, he started wandering around with his nose to the ground just like you'd see a mouse in a maze. He was indeed a dog with Alzheimer's. Before this, he didn't wander too much, as it was obvious he had some pretty bad arthritis, and think he was too sore to wander. I wonder if his mind just got so bad he didn't even know he was in pain. I'd pick him up after awhile and put him back on the two cushions he liked to lay on. Later, he'd be off wandering again.

I couldn't bring myself to haul him in to the vet to be put to sleep. W even offered to do it Monday. This little dog was just so special to me. I've never been able to look at him and not think of my dad. Little Bud was just like a gift from heaven--my dad was taken away, but in return, I got a little dog to love and always remind me of my dad. How do you kill something like that on purpose?

I know people don't like dogs, cats, animals. I was raised around them, and my dad was very tender around them. He was raised on a farm by a divorced mother, and just did not have a happy childhood at all. He had a little rabbit he loved--killed by dogs, and a little lamb, killed by roaming dogs. He cried even when he told me about them years later. Well, got sweaty eyes, as my grandkids would say, he didn't bawl like a baby.

I read the scriptures, not like I should, but I do know that it says "that a sparrow does not fall from the sky, but the Lord knows it." Something to that effect. I don't feel like looking for the scripture. I also know the Lord under Heavenly Father's direction created this entire earth for us, including the animals upon it. Pretty special.

Today is my mother's 76th birthday. I need to call her. She is back in Idaho with the rest of my family. She is going to have a busy, wonderful day surrounded by loving family. My cousin I love is going up there to spend the weekend with her and attend her 45th high school reunion. Kind of wish I had known, and I would have flown up there just to be part of it all. I prayed that Little Bud would die, as it was his time, but just not on my mom's birthday. He was roaming, or had made it to the middle of the living room around 5 am, so I put him back in his bed. I made W some breakfast and went back to bed until I needed to get Austin of to his bus. Got up at 6:45, looked at the dog as usual, is he breathing? Ahh, is he breathing, certainly he is breathing.... I gently moved his leg, and just knew. He had just died as he was soft...and I just started to cry. I called W, then the kids all nine of them. I left a message for Mike, as got his voice mail. Austin missed the bus and I drove him to school. Cried the entire way. Quietly he said, "You are really sad about Little Bud, huh?" The kid and I just are so close. He isn't a perfect child, he is spoiled, wants his own way, has a temper, but he has a gentle side, and he loves an old lady grandma.

I thought about Little Bud and W having to dig a hole and put him in it. Now, sealed vaults and coffins are ok, but a dog in a hole wrapped in a blanket. Ants would be all over him in minutes; not that he would care, it is the principal of the thing. I called a dog cremation number I have. It was $130 to creamate him with cash, $140 for debit if I hauled him in...and to save $50, I decided to take him in myself. I wrapped him up like a baby and put him in my car. A little stenchy. I was thinking I should have put plastic down first, but just drove to the place. I was hoping I wasn't stopped--just so weird with a dead dog riding shot gun, you know. Then, I thought a two way stop was a four way stop and nearly got the dog's side tee boned...I was thinking too bad I didn't have the keys to the car that the guy Arlen car pools with--could have stunk up his car with dead dog smell......

It was just weird at the animal crematorium. I've planned funerals for people. It was kind of like that only on a more weird scale. They had him on a metal table so I could say my last goodbyes...I had the flight or fight scenerio going on--had already said goodbye to him a trillion times, as he is old, has been sick, and was obviously not long for this life.

Yep, should have put down plastic and maybe enclosed him in plastic, as the car was smelly. Drove with my windows down...Sprayed it with Lysol. I really hope the dead dog smell doesn't linger on. Kind of a side note: We bought this car for Stephanie off of an old widow lady. The car had been her husband's, and she was selling it, as she does not drive. The kids asked if they could get a car air freshener, as the car smelled. I told them maybe we'd have to clean it really good to get the smoky smell out of it. Stephanie looked at me a bit deviously and said, "It doesn't smell like smoke, it smells like old people!" I hate to admit it, but even after TWO air fresheners, and steam cleaning the seats, there is a hint of old mixed with vanilla and citrus.

Maybe there is some significance to Little Bud dying on my mother's birthday. One, thing, I'll always be able to remember when he passed. In remembering the blessing of a sweet little foundling dog, a loving earthy father's love, a loving mother's birthday, the gift of family, the gift of a Savior, who loves me, knows me, and died for me. For me, for all of us. Life is indeed very precious, and made more so a knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.